Tragic Events at Newt Gingrich University

Newt Gingrich made the infinitely dumbassed statement that if the students at Virginia Tech had been armed, they would have gotten the attacker before he got what, two, three of them? I suppose two or three college students are worth less than a historical misinterpretation of a single sentence (the second amendment) but let's fast-forward a few years to Newt Gingrich University on a beautiful day in April.

First a bit of background on NGU. It was established to train young Conservatives in ideology. There are no science classes, no history classes, no civics. Students study what they need to become lawyers, political hacks and charismatic church ministers, nothing else is important. When students arrive, the handbook requires them to bring a laptop computer, a handgun (the 9mm Glock is recommended due to its stability), a bible and a copy of the Bill of Rights for ritual trampling at convocations. An hour a week on the firing range is required and that is where our shooter learned to change clips in his Glock in two seconds.

According to School Doctrine and the Student Handbook, in case of a school shooting, students are expected to defend themselves. So when our shooter comes into the student union and starts firing into a prayer meeting, the students do what comes natural.

They freeze. These are future lawyers and politicians, not people of action. Little people get themselves killed defending others, they are the elite (school motto: Education for the Elite, Work for the Others). Finally, one of them realizes he's armed and pulls his Glock. The problem just compounded itself, as we soon will see. Our shooter is a college student, looks like a college student, dresses like a college student. Our other students look exactly the same. The net result of our first hero's standing and pulling his weapon is that there are now two nearly identical people shooting. So when the rest of the student body comes unfrozen, the result is a free-for-all, a melee, a circular firing squad, a slaughter.

Further complication: The school, castigated by armchair police tactical specialists in the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings, immediately broadcast over cell phones, e-mail, loudspeaker and carrier pigeon there is a shooter lose on campus. Any loud bang now instigates gunfights campus wide as jumpy college students with weapons but with no tactical training panic and start shooting one another.

The end result, hundreds are dead. The university president the next day announces sadly that it was obvious that the students were under-armed and that next year's freshman class will be required to bring assault rifles, the Glocks just weren't deadly enough. And, in keeping with school tradition, the students take out their copy of the Bill of Rights, carefully tape over the Second Amendment, and proceed to trample the documents into the bloody mud....